A few weeks ago it’s 4:13 am and I wake up from some insane dream. It was one of those dreams where you wake up and you’re not sure if it was a dream or if it was reality. It felt so absolutely real that I couldn’t shake it. I told my husband about it in detail and actually took notes in my phone so I would remember it.
I am in child’s bedroom. Whether it’s my child’s bedroom, or I’m the child isn’t clear. I never see what I look like. I don’t even know if I’m me. There is a closed-door and it looks absolutely ordinary. A plain brown wooden door with a dull knob that looks as though it has been turned a least a million times, underneath is a keyhole with a shiny purple key in the lock.
When the door is opened, its bright white with glitter all over it and one of those old-fashioned doorknobs that looks like a huge diamond. On this side of the door there is no lock, no key.
Once you step through the door it appears you’re in the same bedroom. Only on this side I somehow know that all the things I think do not exist, do. Santa, Tooth Fairy, witches, wizards, fairies, all those things from childhood that give us our sense of wonder. I explore around the room with this amazing sense of happiness and joy. i can’t help but smile and giggle at all the many things I know I will come across and see on this side of the door.
There’s a loud noise and something startles me and makes me run back through the door. I lock the door and as soon as I put the key from the lock, it turns to vapor in my hand. I’m left with this overwhelming sense of dread. Like I singlehandedly closed the door to all things that make me and everyone in the world, happy.
After writing it all out in coherent sentences, I realized, it sounds an awful lot like a recurring dream I used to have when I was in high school. I used to dream that rather than the Earth being part of a solar system that orbited the sun, I was the person holding up the world. I would constantly dream about dropping it. I had to keep a dream journal for a psychology class and had the dream numerous times over the few months I had to write them down. I remember my teacher saying this was me being stressed and worrying about things I didn’t have any control over.
I’ve shared before that I have anxiety. Anxiety is relatively new for me. Well, I suppose it’s not exactly new. I first started noticing it in 2010 after I had my daughter. (I’m still convinced that having her hormones on top of mine sort of made mine go into overdrive but hey what do I know?) I would have these insane thoughts that I couldn’t shake. Not thoughts where I’d hurt myself or her or even anyone else just thoughts about things I couldn’t control. It was as if I had mini movies playing in my head I couldn’t stop seeing. I used to be able to rationalize them but then one day I couldn’t.
There is so much in my life I cannot control and I’m pretty sure I don’t need a dream interpreter to see what my subconscious mind is telling me. But damn, if someone took this idea and ran it would make an interesting book. Or maybe that’s in my head. Too bad I’m not a writer. 😉