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Anxiety and the insanity that ensues.

Anxiety is a bitch.

Some days I feel like I have it under control and others, not so much.

On days that I have it under control it’s great. I can curb terrifying thoughts and literally say aloud to myself, “you’re being irrational” and then I move on from that thought. On the days I do not have it under control, theseΒ thoughts take off and literally multiply into the most horrifying thing my brain can summon. They play out like tiny movies in my head.

A few days ago I was driving home after picking up my 11 month oldΒ andΒ Pie#3 hates the car, he always has. If he’s not asleep or being entertained by an older Pie he screams bloody murder for the entire 15 minute ride home. Of course after work he’s my first stop. Most days he falls asleep but lately he’s just mostly been screaming like someone is ripping out his fingernails. On this particular day he was crying and crying and then silence. Silence after screaming like that can kind of make you think and it certainly did. I turned off my music and the heat so I could maybe hear him breathing. Nothing. And he’s rear-facing with no mirror. I became a psycho. I could picture him in my head blue from choking on some random piece of junk left in the back seat. Or from him biting the binky so hard it ripped and he choked on the pieces silently. It was insane. Pulling over would have been logical but I didn’t want to seem totally crazy.

At the next light I turn on my phone camera and then proceed to put it on the selfie camera and lean back and poke him with the phone. He was alive and tilted his head just enough so I could snap this “hello I’m totally psycho and needed to check on my peacefully sleeping baby while I was driving” picture.

Pie#3 napping while I play out his death in my head.

It’s on days like this that I rethink weaning myself off my medication (at the doc’s ok). But I guess the difference is I know it’s happening and can talk myself off the Cliffs of Insanity. And then talk myself into something that will help avoid the situation… note to me: purchase mirror for this car. ASAP.