Today I felt like I was going off the deep end.
My life has been super stressful as of late. Our household has been riddled with germs over the last two weeks. Sick babies, sick mommy and sick daddy make for stressful days and nights. Add to that our current living situation (a post for another day) and the stress and tears seem to multiply.
Its not even just one thing in particular that I’m focusing on. It seems one thing turns into another and then another, things spiral and then I’m just out of control. Since it’s so many different things it’s more difficult for me to get a handle on it.
Today I went from a perfectly fine morning commute to seeing a fender bender and thinking about all kinds of crazy things. What if I didn’t get stuck behind that school bus? Would I have been in the accident? Would that truck have squished my tiny little car with me in it? Would I have been severely injured? Then…
What if it killed me? Would the kids be ok? Would my husband? Would they forever be haunted by my death and have emotional issues? Would my husband find a new wife? What if my kids grew to love her and think of her as their mommy? Would they forget me? Would my husband? Would the be angry with me for leaving them so young? Would they be relieved? Then…
*Dials husband… no answer.
Shit, what if he was in an accident? Panic ensues.
*Texts husband “please call me when you can, I’m going over the edge with crazy”
He finally calls and tells me all is well and doesn’t tell me I’m crazy and for that I love him even more.
I try to continue working but of course I cannot. It just isn’t that simple. I still think about what happens if I die but instead of thinking of what I’ve already thought earlier, I start a new thought path. I think about how if I truly believe in heaven and God and all that, I wouldn’t really think about how upset I would be at not being here physically for my kids and husband,I would be content in heaven. What if, though, heaven/God isn’t really there?
IT. NEVER. ENDS.
A constant struggle and I have good days and bad days. Good far outweigh the bad, fortunately for me, but I still wish there was some magical fix.