0

New Year. Not sure how that happened. 

Seems I blinked and it was Christmas and now? 2017, whoa. 

I need to resolve to make time for me. I need to resolve to not put off things I want to do because I’m “tired” “out of time” or “too busy”. People always say to make time and maybe it’s time I did. 

My mental health hasn’t been great the last year. Ok, if I’m being honest the last 3-4. When I say mental health I mean anxiety with a side of depression. Being in denial about depression wasn’t he best thing I’ve ever done but I have finally gotten my head out of my ass long enough to know I needed a med change and a therapist. 

Granted I’ve only seen the therapist once but I am going to be making another appointment. She asked me to start journaling and honestly I have only done it twice.  And once I only did because I couldn’t stop crying and that was the only thing that helped. Ive been too terrified to read that entry but I’m going to try and get my thoughts down here. It seems I always have my phone or a computer so it shouldn’t be too difficult to type up a short post a few times a week. 

Plus there’s the book “reviews” I like to dole out. 

This year I want to be a better wife, a better mom, a better friend, a better employee, and just an all around better person. To do that I need to work on me. So here goes nothing. 

Happy and healthy 2017 to all! 

Advertisements
0

A Dream

A few weeks ago it’s 4:13 am and I wake up from some insane dream. It was one of those dreams where you wake up and you’re not sure if it was a dream or if it was reality. It felt so absolutely real that I couldn’t shake it. I told my husband about it in detail and actually took notes in my phone so I would remember it. dreams-reality-d-citylife

I am in child’s bedroom. Whether it’s my child’s bedroom, or I’m the child isn’t clear. I never see what I look like. I don’t even know if I’m me. There is a closed-door and it looks absolutely ordinary. A plain brown wooden door with a dull knob that looks as though it has been turned a least a million times, underneath is a keyhole with a shiny purple key in the lock.

When the door is opened, its bright white with glitter all over it and one of those old-fashioned doorknobs that looks like a huge diamond. On this side of the door there is no lock, no key.

Once you step through the door it appears you’re in the same bedroom. Only on this side I somehow know that all the things I think do not exist, do. Santa, Tooth Fairy, witches, wizards, fairies, all those things from childhood that give us our sense of wonder. I explore around the room with this amazing sense of happiness and joy. i can’t help but smile and giggle at all the many things I know I will come across and see on this side of the door.

There’s a loud noise and something startles me and makes me run back through the door. I lock the door and as soon as I put the key from the lock, it turns to vapor in my hand. I’m left with this overwhelming sense of dread. Like I singlehandedly closed the door to all things that make me and everyone in the world, happy.

After writing it all out in coherent sentences, I realized, it sounds an awful lot like a recurringworld dream I used to have when I was in high school. I used to dream that rather than the Earth being part of a solar system that orbited the sun, I was the person holding up the world. I would constantly dream about dropping it. I had to keep a dream journal for a psychology class and had the dream numerous times over the few months I had to write them down. I remember my teacher saying this was me being stressed and worrying about things I didn’t have any control over.

I’ve shared before that I have anxiety. Anxiety is relatively new for me. Well, I suppose it’s not exactly new. I first started noticing it in 2010 after I had my daughter. (I’m still convinced that having her hormones on top of mine sort of made mine go into overdrive but hey what do I know?) I would have these insane thoughts that I couldn’t shake. Not thoughts where I’d hurt myself or her or even anyone else just thoughts about things I couldn’t control. It was as if I had mini movies playing in my head I couldn’t stop seeing. I used to be able to rationalize them but then one day I couldn’t.

There is so much in my life I cannot control and I’m pretty sure I don’t need a dream interpreter to see what my subconscious mind is telling me. But damn, if someone took this idea and ran it would make an interesting book. Or maybe that’s in my head. Too bad I’m not a writer. 😉

 

0

Anxiety 497, Me 0

Today I felt like I was going off the deep end.

My life has been super stressful as of late. Our household has been riddled with germs over the last two weeks. Sick babies, sick mommy and sick daddy make for stressful days and nights. Add to that our current living situation (a post for another day) and the stress and tears seem to multiply.

Its not even just one thing in particular that I’m focusing on. It seems one thing turns into another and then another, things spiral and then I’m just out of control. Since it’s so many different things it’s more difficult for me to get a handle on it.

Today I went from a perfectly fine morning commute to seeing a fender bender and thinking about all kinds of crazy things. What if I didn’t get stuck behind that school bus? Would I have been in the accident? Would that truck have squished my tiny little car with me in it? Would I have been severely injured? Then…

What if it killed me? Would the kids be ok? Would my husband? Would they forever be haunted by my death and have emotional issues? Would my husband find a new wife? What if my kids grew to love her and think of her as their mommy? Would they forget me? Would my husband? Would the be angry with me for leaving them so young? Would they be relieved? Then…

*Dials husband… no answer.

Shit, what if he was in an accident? Panic ensues.

*Texts husband “please call me when you can, I’m going over the edge with crazy”

He finally calls and tells me all is well and doesn’t tell me I’m crazy and for that I love him even more.

I try to continue working but of course I cannot. It just isn’t that simple. I still think about what happens if I die but instead of thinking of what I’ve already thought earlier, I start a new thought path. I think about how if I truly believe in heaven and God and all that, I wouldn’t really think about how upset I would be at not being here physically for my kids and husband,I would be content in heaven. What if, though, heaven/God isn’t really there?

IT. NEVER. ENDS.

A constant struggle and I have good days and bad days. Good far outweigh the bad, fortunately for me, but I still wish there was some magical fix.

3

Anxiety and the insanity that ensues.

Anxiety is a bitch.

Some days I feel like I have it under control and others, not so much.

On days that I have it under control it’s great. I can curb terrifying thoughts and literally say aloud to myself, “you’re being irrational” and then I move on from that thought. On the days I do not have it under control, these thoughts take off and literally multiply into the most horrifying thing my brain can summon. They play out like tiny movies in my head.

A few days ago I was driving home after picking up my 11 month old and Pie#3 hates the car, he always has. If he’s not asleep or being entertained by an older Pie he screams bloody murder for the entire 15 minute ride home. Of course after work he’s my first stop. Most days he falls asleep but lately he’s just mostly been screaming like someone is ripping out his fingernails. On this particular day he was crying and crying and then silence. Silence after screaming like that can kind of make you think and it certainly did. I turned off my music and the heat so I could maybe hear him breathing. Nothing. And he’s rear-facing with no mirror. I became a psycho. I could picture him in my head blue from choking on some random piece of junk left in the back seat. Or from him biting the binky so hard it ripped and he choked on the pieces silently. It was insane. Pulling over would have been logical but I didn’t want to seem totally crazy.

At the next light I turn on my phone camera and then proceed to put it on the selfie camera and lean back and poke him with the phone. He was alive and tilted his head just enough so I could snap this “hello I’m totally psycho and needed to check on my peacefully sleeping baby while I was driving” picture.

Pie#3 napping while I play out his death in my head.

It’s on days like this that I rethink weaning myself off my medication (at the doc’s ok). But I guess the difference is I know it’s happening and can talk myself off the Cliffs of Insanity. And then talk myself into something that will help avoid the situation… note to me: purchase mirror for this car. ASAP.