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The Battle For My Bed

Ridiculous. When I say that I mean me. I’m ridiculous. The sole responsibility for my daughter’s need to be in my bed is my fault. Entirely.

I don’t know if it was because she was a girl or because she was this teeny tiny peanut of toddler I just couldn’t let her sleep by herself. And now I’m paying for it. Don’t get me wrong, I am ok with the occasional nighttime wander in but she is in here almost every night. I was a sucker. I used to let her fall asleep in my bed because it was easier than me lying on her floor while she fell asleep. Then later half lying in and out of her toddler bed. Then much later hanging off the edge of her twin bed. Good grief.

Then for about a year, she was falling asleep in my bed and I was moving her. That was working until one day it wasn’t. I would pick her up asleep and she’d say, “what are you doing?” like she’d been awake the whole time. Some nights she’d let me move her but then wander back in an hour later. Or I’ll move her and she’ll cry and I can’t deal with that because well A. I have a full-time job, and B. I have two other kids. It was more important at the time for us all to get some sleep.

She’s gonna be 6 in two weeks and my youngest is 2. I am happy to say he sleeps in his crib. He goes in awake and falls asleep on his own. I’d like to say it’s because I didn’t let him sleep in here but the truth is I really think it depends on the kid.

It didn’t bother me until recently. The longer we are married and the more involved in our children’s lives we become has kind of made me realize that I need to sleep next to my husband. I need to feel that connection with the man I married. We need that time just to be able to talk about things that are not about who is picking up which kid and taking them to which class. I’m ok with our lives being about our kids. I love them so much but sometimes I need it to be about him and me. And let’s not forget about physical intimacy as well.

sleep deprivedThey say hindsight is 20/20 and honestly if anyone asked me for new baby advice I would tell them to let their kids learn how to self soothe. There has to be a happy medium. I’m not talking full on “oh my baby is 6 weeks old they should sleep all night” but when they are older, you know your kid and you know when they really need you or are just sort of figuring it all out.

But alas, I know I never listened to advice so at least when you go ahead and Google, “how to get my kid out of my bed” you’ll know you’re not alone.

I will win this battle. Or she’ll grow up and PS, I’m sure I’ll hate it.

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A Thousand Boy Kisses – Book Review

A Thousand Boy Kisses by Tillie Cole

I have been staring at this blog post in my drafts box for almost a week. I thought I was going to be over the moon about this one and I wasn’t. I was disappointed however, the more I think on the story the more I didn’t hate it. I would say it’s more of a 3.5 star book rather than a 3 star book. ATBK

This story is about Poppy & Rune. At the age of 5 Rune moves in next door in the room opposite Poppy’s and they are best friends instantly. Poppy then receives a boy kiss jar from her Mamaw (thank goodness I watch Raising Hope or I’d have had no idea how to pronounce that) at the age of 8. The kiss jar is filled with paper hearts that she’s supposed to write down all the super special boy kisses in. The reasoning behind the jar is Mamaw’s fondest memories of Poppy’s Pawpaw are all his kisses they shared together and how much the ones where her “heart almost burst” meant to her. She wanted to share that with her granddaughter. I thought this was incredibly endearing and original.

Here’s where I start to get iffy. At the same young age of 8 Rune gives Poppy her first boy kiss. The kiss itself didn’t bother me, having an 9 year old boy, I know girls is something that he thinks about it, however, i know he doesn’t think “forever always” when he thinks about them. After that kiss and for the rest of the book they are so in love. They are kids and it seemed a little to unrealistic.

Poppy & Rune grow to age 15 and then Rune has to move back to Oslo, Norway. They are both heartbroken. Rune vows to hate his Pappa and Poppy throws herself into her schooling until she cuts of all contact with Rune for two years with no explanation as to why. Two years later Rune moves back with a whole new rebel without a cause attitude and is trying to unravel what went wrong. He’s definitely not my dream guy, long blonde hair, all black clothing, skinny jeans, boots, way to emo for me. And Poppy really seemed like she was stuck in her 8 year old self. She was constantly wearing giant bows in her hair. Maybe I’ve been in the 2000’s for too long but teenagers, especially seniors do not do that. It’s way too much innocence in this day and age. Unrealistic.

 

I very much enjoy descriptive writing. I like to know what colors, smells, and sounds the characters are seeing, smelling, and hearing. I like to know everything. It’s what attracts me to reading in the first place. I feel transported into that world for the time I’m reading. Ms. Cole’s descriptions of the world around them was wonderfully written. I wanted to be in that Blossom field. I could almost smell it and feel the sun and wind on my face. I loved the way she described Poppy playing the cello and the way Poppy felt while playing and what the music itself did to her.

(I actually looked up Bach’s Cello Suites to listen to while I read. Now it’s my go to music for when I’m at work and need to concentrate but would like music too.)

Overall I’d say it was a  good story, I just felt as if it was a little too much, “I love you so much forever and always” for me and I’m a sap. Like this quote

When you’re near, my heart doesn’t sigh, it soars.

What? I mean I just couldn’t get past it. It was lines like that over and over. It didn’t really seem believable.

I did cry but I didn’t cry those big fat ugly tears everyone keeps talking about. I also didn’t enjoy the epilogue. I love happily ever afters as much as the next reader but I don’t always feel the story has to go there. Sometimes stories end sad, it’s part of life. I felt this epilogue was a little to perfectly wrapped in a neat little bow. It annoyed me, a lot.

I’m definitely going to try another Tillie Cole book. I enjoyed her writing style and even though I wasn’t over the moon for Rune & Poppy and their journey, I did like them and I rooted for them. I feel like her writing is definitely worth another try.

 

 

 

 

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A Dream

A few weeks ago it’s 4:13 am and I wake up from some insane dream. It was one of those dreams where you wake up and you’re not sure if it was a dream or if it was reality. It felt so absolutely real that I couldn’t shake it. I told my husband about it in detail and actually took notes in my phone so I would remember it. dreams-reality-d-citylife

I am in child’s bedroom. Whether it’s my child’s bedroom, or I’m the child isn’t clear. I never see what I look like. I don’t even know if I’m me. There is a closed-door and it looks absolutely ordinary. A plain brown wooden door with a dull knob that looks as though it has been turned a least a million times, underneath is a keyhole with a shiny purple key in the lock.

When the door is opened, its bright white with glitter all over it and one of those old-fashioned doorknobs that looks like a huge diamond. On this side of the door there is no lock, no key.

Once you step through the door it appears you’re in the same bedroom. Only on this side I somehow know that all the things I think do not exist, do. Santa, Tooth Fairy, witches, wizards, fairies, all those things from childhood that give us our sense of wonder. I explore around the room with this amazing sense of happiness and joy. i can’t help but smile and giggle at all the many things I know I will come across and see on this side of the door.

There’s a loud noise and something startles me and makes me run back through the door. I lock the door and as soon as I put the key from the lock, it turns to vapor in my hand. I’m left with this overwhelming sense of dread. Like I singlehandedly closed the door to all things that make me and everyone in the world, happy.

After writing it all out in coherent sentences, I realized, it sounds an awful lot like a recurringworld dream I used to have when I was in high school. I used to dream that rather than the Earth being part of a solar system that orbited the sun, I was the person holding up the world. I would constantly dream about dropping it. I had to keep a dream journal for a psychology class and had the dream numerous times over the few months I had to write them down. I remember my teacher saying this was me being stressed and worrying about things I didn’t have any control over.

I’ve shared before that I have anxiety. Anxiety is relatively new for me. Well, I suppose it’s not exactly new. I first started noticing it in 2010 after I had my daughter. (I’m still convinced that having her hormones on top of mine sort of made mine go into overdrive but hey what do I know?) I would have these insane thoughts that I couldn’t shake. Not thoughts where I’d hurt myself or her or even anyone else just thoughts about things I couldn’t control. It was as if I had mini movies playing in my head I couldn’t stop seeing. I used to be able to rationalize them but then one day I couldn’t.

There is so much in my life I cannot control and I’m pretty sure I don’t need a dream interpreter to see what my subconscious mind is telling me. But damn, if someone took this idea and ran it would make an interesting book. Or maybe that’s in my head. Too bad I’m not a writer. 😉

 

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Never Never Series- Book Review

Never Never

Never Never by Colleen Hoover & Tarryn Fisher

I blew through these and not only because they were novellas but because I could not put them down. I had to know.

I’m a girl who has a love hate relationship with suspense/mysteries. I love them because I love trying to piece things together and see what happens in the end. I hate them because I absolutely cannot stand the wait. I feel like I cannot read fast enough. I especially love them when I don’t see what’s coming.

Written in alternating point of views, we start of with Charlie in a classroom. She hasn’t a clue how she got there, who she is, or any immediate memories. Then we go to Silas and he cannot remember anything either. I will admit at first it was strange and I found myself being sort of annoyed. As if I wasn’t in on something. A few chapters later and I was past the point of no return.

We follow Silas and Charlie through their journey to find out who they are. Through their days in school and meeting their friends and families for the first time, you feel like you’re there with them. Their anxiety about who they are and why they don’t know is so real. I felt as if I was with them on Bourbon Street trying to figure things out.

There isn’t a whole lot I can say without spoiling. You just have to go for the ride yourself. Hoover is one of my favorite contemporary writers and this didn’t disappoint although I think I would have preferred one book but it was fun and the cover art on all the books is beautiful and sort of foreshadowing.

Destiny. Fate. They are real. I believe that.

 

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Darken the Stars – Book Review

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The Kricket Series Book#3 – Darken the Stars by Amy A. Bartol

The other books in this series are Book #1 Under Different Stars & Book #2 Sea of Stars.

Ok, so normally, I’d write a book review after I read each book in a series and then maybe if I had more to say I would reflect on the series as a whole.

This one is going to be different mainly because when I first read book 1 in January of 2014 I didn’t know it was a series and book 2 hadn’t been published yet. Then I read book 2 in April of 2015 and I didn’t re-read them before I read book 3. I should have. Or I shouldn’t have. I don’t know.

Quick synopsis – Kricket is a teen living in Chicago having been through the foster system. She’s longing for a home, somewhere she belongs. She finds out she is really from a planet called Ethar where her parents were from different houses of the five on Ethar. She has psychic abilities and can project herself to places and see futures. She is being hunted by two houses due to a prophecy.

I fell in love with this series. I loved books 1 and 2. And even though I hated how it wrapped up I did love this one too.

Kricket is a strong girl and I was instantly captured by her spirit and determination. A girl who can take care of herself gets an A+ in my book. The tension between her and Trey and her and Kyon was palpable and drew me in, I wanted to root for them and I did. They just made sense and I could feel the love they have for each other. The overall love and action in both books was refreshing because usually it’s one or the other in books. I did enjoy Ms. Bartol’s writing style. The descriptions of a planet that does not exist outside of these pages was amazing. I wanted to be there with them. I wanted to see these gorgeous but deadly flowers and play with all the technology.

Then here comes Darken the Stars and in reading I for sure thought I knew what was coming. I was wrong. This book left me so angry I wanted to chuck my Kindle across the room. Sigh. I hate it when that happens.

 

SPOILER below this point. 

I felt cheated. As if the author had a word quota she could not exceed and had gotten there before she realized it. It felt as though Kricket deserved better. This girl, this beautifully resilient girl, who saved an entire planet ended up alone. I’m sure the feminist inside me is screaming “are you insane” but some characters just deserve their happy ending. Who knows, maybe I had one too many hormones out of control when I was on the last few chapters of this book and couldn’t deal. Maybe I will feel differently the further I get away from it or maybe if I re-read them again I won’t hate the end so much, but not right now. Right now I’m furious.

And to be honest, I don’t even know which HEA I would have wanted for her. One with Kyon who although was broken and in need of revenge loved Kricket probably more than himself. Or one with Trey who was the soldier trying to always do right by everyone. I’m not sure. But I do know I feel like this didn’t get closure.

Rawr. I don’t know. If you read this, God bless you. I feel as though my head is spinning. I am putting this in the re-read column.

3.5-4 star book for me.

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Resolutions, or whatever.

Whether I was ready for it or not 2016 showed up. I had every intention in 2015 of doing so many things. I can’t say I didn’t do any of them, but I certainly didn’t do all of them.

This year I’m going to put down a few things and just hope. In no particular order:

  • Read at least 52 books this year.
  • Choose books outside of my normal realm.
  • Read more books with the kids.
  • Yell less.
  • Put down my phone more.
  • Move.
  • Organize. Nothing specifically, just organize… thoughts & things.
  • Get my bed back.
  • Blog more often.
  • Review all the books I read.
  • Get back on the 21 Day Fix food plan.
  • Get back to excercising daily.
  • Figure out my Young Living Essential Oils.
  • Give 100% at work.
  • Be accountable for my actions and words.
  • Cook more.
  • Find new ways to deal with anxiety.
  • Be more forgiving.
  • Be more understanding.
  • Be available.
  • Be less self absorbed.

Come on 2016… I know you’ve got some good in store for me, I can feel it.

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Book Review – Bright Side

Bright Side by Kim Holden is a story about Kate. Kate up and moves from California to Minnesota leaving her best friend Gus behind and marking college of her bucket list. She’s nicknamed Bright Side by Gus because he claims this is where she lives, on the Bright Side. Kate is all about optimism and being a good person. It was so wonderful to not hate the heroine at any point. She meets Keller Banks and falls in love. Keller is smart and focused and not the typical “I’m good looking and I’m allowed to be a giant tool” guy. Both carry secrets and we all know secrets in books have a way of knocking you on your ass, and this one did just that.

Bright Side

The characters were stunning. All of them, even the loathsome aunt.

I’m so sad that I bought the Kindle version because I would have loved to mark this up and dog-ear it. This book is filled with life lessons and damn good advice. It’s filled with gems like this:

I’ve always been pretty good at accepting the whole of someone, the good with the bad. I see it all, but try not to let it cloud my judgement. People are complicated. Life is complicated

Today, my life is awesome.
I don’t want to think about tomorrow.
Or the day after that.
So I repeat to myself: Today, my life is awesome.

Don’t judge each other. We all have our own shit. Keep your eyes on yours and your nose out of everyone else’s unless you’re invited in. And when you get the invitation, help, don’t judge

There isn’t much I can say about this book that doesn’t spoil the ending and I don’t want to do that. I hate that. But I will say that you will probably cry a river of tears, I certainly did, but it was worth every single one. I feel like a better human after reading this beautifully crafted story.

I’ll leave you with this final quote and thought:

Just when you think you know someone, they change. Or you change. Or maybe you both change. And that changes everything.

Life is full of change. No matter how hard you fight change, it happens. You have to accept those changes and keep going and look at the Bright Side because there is one, you just have to find it.